It's That Time of Eternity, Again!
Hey gang. Time, once again, for the Heavenly Staff Newsletter. We're having a great 2012, let's keep up the good work!
Staff Employee of the Quarter!
Congrats to Archangel Gabriel for his work with his team of 'guardians'. It's been a particularly busy first quarter for these guys, but, they're protecting like champs! By the by - if you get a chance to see Gabe play his harp later this month at the "Holy Smokes Lounge", make sure to request he play his killer version of "War Pigs". You won't be disappointed!
New Pop Machine for Newcomers!
Make sure y'all head down to the main check-in lobby to see the row of soda machines for the new arrivals! Upon arrival past the Pearly Gates, the recently dead/spiritually-reborn souls will have their usual choices of Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Diet Coke, etc, but, we're all VERY excited about the addition of Dad's Root Beer and long-time hold out Fresca! It's going to make entering their new digs just a liiiiiiittle bit more refreshing, am I right?
Audit Completed!!!
Big, huge, Goliath-like thank yous and kudos to our Heavenly Staff for completing the "Forgiveness Audit" this past month. It was quite an undertaking! We were backlogged almost 40 earth-years on people to forgive.
Many of the minor offenses, simply, slip through the cracks and it's up to my staff to find them, forgive them and record it in The Book. Some of these are long-overdue for a pass, that's for sure! We appreciate their patience. Here are just a few forgiven individuals:
* Steve Bartman - no, not THAT Steve Bartman, but, Steve Bartman of 223 Clover Lane, Brookfield, WI. In 1997, he took a Reese's peanut butter cup from the local pharmacy after waiting for almost three minutes at the counter for a cashier to arrive before throwing his hands up and leaving with said candy bar. Steve is forgiven - and, little did he know, the assistant pharmacist and her manager were busy banging each other's brains out in the utility closet.
* We've finally forgiven Springsteen for using the word "speedball".
* Forgiveness in order for Brad Jenkins of Boulder, Co. after calling his mother a 'shunt'. Technically, it's not a curse word, but, being able to look into a man's soul does have it's advantages. We do know that Brad meant it as a compound word mixing derogatory terms for fecal waste and a female body part. Not cool, but, we have forgiven for time served.
* Also, to note: Ronnie Harmon's case continues to be under review for throwing the 1986 Rose Bowl. Still got some pissed-off fans up here.
Staff Notes:
May 5th will be Sombrero or Poncho Day in celebration of Cinco De Mayo! So, feel free to wear Mexican garb to the office!
To our Welcome Wagon committee, there will be a major 'weather event' next month, so please prepare an extra set of gift packages for the new arrivals and make sure we order some extra toilet paper for the lobby stalls. Thanks!
The second quarter theme is "Kick It Up a Notch!" - take a look at yourself and your co-workers and ask yourself, "Am I doing enough to make my fellow worker look good?" and, "Am I doing my absolute best?". There's always room for improvement, so, tell yourself to Kick It Up a Notch and we'll be firing on all cylinders! Rock on!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Ahoy! EASTER WEEKEND! YAY!
Well, I've "risen again" to answer some of your prayers in print! So, let's roll the stone away and get down to some answerin', forgivin' and resurrectin'!
Prayer #1:
Hugh Brickman, age 38, Portland, OR
"Dear Lord, please answer me why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people? I struggle with this in my own life as I see person after person bypass me on the way up the corporate ladder by evil means and dishonest practices. Please help me find peace and fulfillment..."
Hey! It's Hugh "munguss" Brickman! Great to hear from you.
Yeah, sorry about letting Todd Nussbaum take that promotion over you, but, that presentation he did for the bigwigs at Pepsi certainly pushed his stock higher. Not that your Powerpoint presentation wasn't well-done, but, let's face it - Todd's use of high-energy music bumps, fog machine and corporate buzzwords really made the presentation 'sing'. Still....I can understand your frustration. I'm still not happy with him beating his wife last year. Not cool! (incidentally, I'm making sure she gets QUITE the settlement. So, you'll be pleased to note that his big promotion bonus won't be lining his pocketbook! She'll be getting it all!)
Quick thing about the good things happening to bad people and vicey-versey: Things tend to even out. What can I tell ya'? Also, methinks a change of industry might do you some good. I'll open up a window next week for you that you can try out. See how that stirs the drink. Just remember that "pre-stressed asbestos" isn't as dangerous as it sounds. It can be quite lucrative.
Go get 'em slugger!
Prayer #2:
Heather Caruthers, Age 17, San Diego, Ca
"OMG! WhatEVER! I'm so jealous that, like, you totally gave Taylor and Brandi both new cars for their birthday! Like, what am I supposed to do? I don't even LIKE Taylor. She's a total bee-atch and Brandi, is, like, totally a slut. And, Rumer was totally ripping on them, like, two days ago, but now, like, she's all, like, "oooh, I'm your best friend, Brandi...let's hang out and do stuff...." all because of this stupid idiot car she got. And Taylor's boyfriend, Jacob, is, like totally not hot, but, thinks he's all that and he totally looks like a pug dog or something...ha! LOL! LMFAO! But, now, he's all "hey, Tay, wassup?", like, he wasn't going to totally break up with her or anything, like, three fucking days ago anyway, but, now, she's got this stupid car, so, he's all into her now...this is SO stupid! AAAAGH! Whatever....I think I'm just going to hang out with Brittany at the game."
Hm. Sober counsel, indeed, Heather. You're wise to seek Brittany's company. Unlike Taylor and Brandi, her mode of transportation is a bike. LOL!
As for Rumer, there are only so many times I require her to stop back-talking her friends. Just throwing this out there - NOT OFFICIAL - but, she'll probably need to visit her doctor in the next month or two just to 'be safe', if she doesn't stop.
Taylor deserves the car, Heather. She got a C+ average and that's what her parents required of her. That's the contract they signed and a parent needs to be consistent. Keep in mind, a C-average was quite a jump from her 1.74 GPA!
Brandi's family is just loaded with cash. What can I tell you? Her dad is a lawyer and her mom is a doctor. Brandi gets a car because her parents earned it.
If there's one thing you'll learn in the country you live in - money is not evil. I know it may be a 100% obvious, blatantly clear contradiction to every single, solitary possible word, phrase or idea I stated in the Bible, but, listen to your political leaders....they know better. It's capitalism that moves human souls to do good work! So, go out and make some money and you, too, can get that car! LMFAO!
Peace. Out.
Well, I've "risen again" to answer some of your prayers in print! So, let's roll the stone away and get down to some answerin', forgivin' and resurrectin'!
Prayer #1:
Hugh Brickman, age 38, Portland, OR
"Dear Lord, please answer me why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people? I struggle with this in my own life as I see person after person bypass me on the way up the corporate ladder by evil means and dishonest practices. Please help me find peace and fulfillment..."
Hey! It's Hugh "munguss" Brickman! Great to hear from you.
Yeah, sorry about letting Todd Nussbaum take that promotion over you, but, that presentation he did for the bigwigs at Pepsi certainly pushed his stock higher. Not that your Powerpoint presentation wasn't well-done, but, let's face it - Todd's use of high-energy music bumps, fog machine and corporate buzzwords really made the presentation 'sing'. Still....I can understand your frustration. I'm still not happy with him beating his wife last year. Not cool! (incidentally, I'm making sure she gets QUITE the settlement. So, you'll be pleased to note that his big promotion bonus won't be lining his pocketbook! She'll be getting it all!)
Quick thing about the good things happening to bad people and vicey-versey: Things tend to even out. What can I tell ya'? Also, methinks a change of industry might do you some good. I'll open up a window next week for you that you can try out. See how that stirs the drink. Just remember that "pre-stressed asbestos" isn't as dangerous as it sounds. It can be quite lucrative.
Go get 'em slugger!
Prayer #2:
Heather Caruthers, Age 17, San Diego, Ca
"OMG! WhatEVER! I'm so jealous that, like, you totally gave Taylor and Brandi both new cars for their birthday! Like, what am I supposed to do? I don't even LIKE Taylor. She's a total bee-atch and Brandi, is, like, totally a slut. And, Rumer was totally ripping on them, like, two days ago, but now, like, she's all, like, "oooh, I'm your best friend, Brandi...let's hang out and do stuff...." all because of this stupid idiot car she got. And Taylor's boyfriend, Jacob, is, like totally not hot, but, thinks he's all that and he totally looks like a pug dog or something...ha! LOL! LMFAO! But, now, he's all "hey, Tay, wassup?", like, he wasn't going to totally break up with her or anything, like, three fucking days ago anyway, but, now, she's got this stupid car, so, he's all into her now...this is SO stupid! AAAAGH! Whatever....I think I'm just going to hang out with Brittany at the game."
Hm. Sober counsel, indeed, Heather. You're wise to seek Brittany's company. Unlike Taylor and Brandi, her mode of transportation is a bike. LOL!
As for Rumer, there are only so many times I require her to stop back-talking her friends. Just throwing this out there - NOT OFFICIAL - but, she'll probably need to visit her doctor in the next month or two just to 'be safe', if she doesn't stop.
Taylor deserves the car, Heather. She got a C+ average and that's what her parents required of her. That's the contract they signed and a parent needs to be consistent. Keep in mind, a C-average was quite a jump from her 1.74 GPA!
Brandi's family is just loaded with cash. What can I tell you? Her dad is a lawyer and her mom is a doctor. Brandi gets a car because her parents earned it.
If there's one thing you'll learn in the country you live in - money is not evil. I know it may be a 100% obvious, blatantly clear contradiction to every single, solitary possible word, phrase or idea I stated in the Bible, but, listen to your political leaders....they know better. It's capitalism that moves human souls to do good work! So, go out and make some money and you, too, can get that car! LMFAO!
Peace. Out.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Day TWO! Request Time!
Request Line Open!
Time to time, I feel it's nice to answer questions sent in from the flock. Here goes!
Question #1:
Hannah Brupp, age 44 from Chicago, IL asks:
"How is your son doing?"
Hannah Banana! Howzitz? Good to hear from you.
Jesus is fan-friggin'-tastic! Sitting at my right hand (looking over my shoulder as I write this, by the by - he says 'hey'). Just appeared on a piece of toast in Guam and is set to make a cryptic vision in the cereal of a Mr. Gene Baxter of Youngstown, Ohio next week. THAT should be a fun one!
Gene could really use the 'pick-me-up' after a series of bad real estate investments. Jesus told me He 'wasn't in the mood', but, after hearing Gene's plea for help at his bedtime prayers....what can I say? My boy is a bleedin' heart!
Otherwise, He's really taking a shine to advising politicians on things. Especially AMERICAN politicians. They really seem to have a handle on what my Son would do in most situations and they're not afraid to tell others! I looooooove confidence, especially when its earned and in the right hands. If there's one thing my Son promoted, it was capitalism!
Oh! Almost forgot - Jesus isn't planning on returning to Earth right away. (he's having some issues with his passport - ugh!), so, just go about your business and try to be good to others and all that.
Question #2:
David Blondell, age 37, from Pittsburgh, PA asks:
"When I recently read the book of Ruth, the story of Naomi was very moving and teaching. What was your motivation to create that scenario?"
Well, hello. Good question.
I gotta be honest with ya', DB - I haven't read that book in a long time and, from what I recall, that story happened AGES ago, right?? The story of Naomi sort of escapes me. Is that the chick who threw the cellphone at her assistant? Sorry, I've been really too busy to get any reading in. I certainly hope to catch up on biblical history soon, but, honestly, it's been a bear trying to find time to read anything.
Good to hear from you, though, and, look for a lovely surprise in your wife's next ultrasound! oops! let the cat slip outta the bag! :)
Time to time, I feel it's nice to answer questions sent in from the flock. Here goes!
Question #1:
Hannah Brupp, age 44 from Chicago, IL asks:
"How is your son doing?"
Hannah Banana! Howzitz? Good to hear from you.
Jesus is fan-friggin'-tastic! Sitting at my right hand (looking over my shoulder as I write this, by the by - he says 'hey'). Just appeared on a piece of toast in Guam and is set to make a cryptic vision in the cereal of a Mr. Gene Baxter of Youngstown, Ohio next week. THAT should be a fun one!
Gene could really use the 'pick-me-up' after a series of bad real estate investments. Jesus told me He 'wasn't in the mood', but, after hearing Gene's plea for help at his bedtime prayers....what can I say? My boy is a bleedin' heart!
Otherwise, He's really taking a shine to advising politicians on things. Especially AMERICAN politicians. They really seem to have a handle on what my Son would do in most situations and they're not afraid to tell others! I looooooove confidence, especially when its earned and in the right hands. If there's one thing my Son promoted, it was capitalism!
Oh! Almost forgot - Jesus isn't planning on returning to Earth right away. (he's having some issues with his passport - ugh!), so, just go about your business and try to be good to others and all that.
Question #2:
David Blondell, age 37, from Pittsburgh, PA asks:
"When I recently read the book of Ruth, the story of Naomi was very moving and teaching. What was your motivation to create that scenario?"
Well, hello. Good question.
I gotta be honest with ya', DB - I haven't read that book in a long time and, from what I recall, that story happened AGES ago, right?? The story of Naomi sort of escapes me. Is that the chick who threw the cellphone at her assistant? Sorry, I've been really too busy to get any reading in. I certainly hope to catch up on biblical history soon, but, honestly, it's been a bear trying to find time to read anything.
Good to hear from you, though, and, look for a lovely surprise in your wife's next ultrasound! oops! let the cat slip outta the bag! :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Ask, and you Shall Receive! (Day One!)
Prayer Requests Answered!!
Well, beloved, you've asked for prayers to be answered, and I'm here to deliver. Let's get started!!
Request #1:
Joey Frugger, age 6, from Monticello, Iowa sent this request:
"God, can you please help me with my homework in math and help me get an A+ and watch over mommy and daddy and Snickers and gammy and gampy and and and please give me a goldfish?"
Well, Joey, that's quite a laundry list, partner! First of all, I didn't hear a 'thank you' in there, but, hey, maybe try to fit that in next time?
As far as the math homework, well, slugger, I made you good at sports. Math isn't going to be something you need, except to calculate that batting average! So, wave bye-bye to that A+. Just shoot for an average grade and you'll be fine. I'll see if I can get your teacher to lighten up a tad on the 'hard questions'. Maybe I'll throw her some 'perspective' this week. How's that, big boy?
Watching over mommy and daddy? - check. Gammy and gampy? - check. Snickers? - that cat needs an attitude adjustment. Didn't appreciate the disregard for your mother's beautiful sofabed, but, you asked for me to watch over him, so.....you got it, champ. But, I gotta tell ya', that cat is baaad news and, if my reports are correct, Snickers has been possessed by my old nemesis (and former colleague), the Devil. Just speculation at this point, but, my sources are usually quite reliable.
Also, loved the decorative God's Eye you made during Bible School. Mrs. Gawd (Mary), thought it was absolutely delightful and remarked to me, "Joey really makes a niiiiice God's Eye, doesn't he. That kid has talent!" So, yeah...she's a fan. Well done!
Goldfish? Nah.
Yours,
Gawd
Request #2...
Gretchen Moseby, age 58, from Kansas City, Mo sent this prayer request:
" Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all of the wonderful blessings you have bestowed on me and my family. We, humbly, ask that you help my husband, Bill, in his new job. Give him the wisdom to make good decisions, have clarity of thought and be at peace in his new position as chief frycook at Denny's. Please keep him safe and to glorify your name each day working in that kitchen. Amen.."
Gretch! Wassup!?! Hope you're still using the snow-blower I got you two years ago. Talk about a well-timed request! Man, I must've sent, what, like eight inches of snow to KC that night? It was all part of a greater plan, of course (I needed "certain people" to stay off the roads that night....long story), but, you were wise to ask for the snow-blower. I reward forward thinkers!
Aaaaanywayze. Congrats to Bill on the new position. It'll be a welcome change from the drudgery of being a federal judge, eh?
And, abso-friggin'-lutely! I'll give him that clarity thing and the wisdom dealie. Done and done. Probably coulda used that when he was sitting on the bench, but, hey - easy come, easy go.
And, listen, it's nice that he'll try to glorify my name in the Denny's kitchen, but, honestly, I'll understand if he doesn't feel like praising Jehovah as he's mixing up Grand Slam platters for a table of eight. There's barely enough time to clean up the bacon rack, much less trying to preach the Word!
By the by, say 'hey' to Josh! That boy is growing up so fast! Was it really five years ago that I gave him pneumonia and a broken rib at the same time? Wow. Time flies! Still, I guess he learned a valuable lesson about supressing sexual urges. Haven't seen him even KISS a girl since! Awesome.
Until next time,
GAWD
And Finally...Request #3
Gil "Fudgin'" Kerpickly, 35, from Louisville, KY asks:
Dear God, you might could help me with a skeeter problem out'chere? My dog done got bit by a half duzen of them there skeeters and now he's a'itchin' just steady. If you could see to it that he can git rid'a that scratchin', I'd surely 'preciate it...thank ya'. Lord. Amen.
Hey, Fudgin'. When will that crazy pooch ever learn?
Well, here's the thing. If I stop the mosquitos from biting, then, I gotta hear it from the mosquitos. I can just hear them now, "if you didn't want us to puncture animal skin and suck blood, then, why...blah blah blah". Trust me, they never stop moaning.
On the other hand, if I don't stop the mosquitos from biting, then, I gotta hear it from everyone else in the animal kingdom! I'm constantly having to defend these insects from everyone else. "Please stop these bloodsuckers! They spread disease! Malaria, this - I'm anemic, that...." and on and on and on....It's annoying, but, they have valid criticisms and I have to listen. That's my job, right? ;)
So, I just have to leave it up to you to try and buy some insect repellent (on sale at Farm and Fleet this week, btw!) for you and Buster. I'll see if I can stop some of the rain and puddles where they breed and see if that can give you a little help. But, then, again, you prayed for rain last week, so you can see my conundrum. Which is it? Please be more specific next prayer session. I don't like disappointing my flock, Fudgin', but, sometimes there's no pleasing people.
All the best,
GAWD
Please send your prayer requests in the comments section if you would like. I'll try to answer them as soon as I can! No promises, March Madness is around the corner and I'll be fielding requests left and right!
p.s. This year, I wouldn't put my money on a certain team from a certain state that rhymes with 'Fentucky'....just sayin'. Take that for what it's worth, but, don't blame me if you lose at the window. ha ha! Just kidding, folks. Keep it real. :)
Well, beloved, you've asked for prayers to be answered, and I'm here to deliver. Let's get started!!
Request #1:
Joey Frugger, age 6, from Monticello, Iowa sent this request:
"God, can you please help me with my homework in math and help me get an A+ and watch over mommy and daddy and Snickers and gammy and gampy and and and please give me a goldfish?"
Well, Joey, that's quite a laundry list, partner! First of all, I didn't hear a 'thank you' in there, but, hey, maybe try to fit that in next time?
As far as the math homework, well, slugger, I made you good at sports. Math isn't going to be something you need, except to calculate that batting average! So, wave bye-bye to that A+. Just shoot for an average grade and you'll be fine. I'll see if I can get your teacher to lighten up a tad on the 'hard questions'. Maybe I'll throw her some 'perspective' this week. How's that, big boy?
Watching over mommy and daddy? - check. Gammy and gampy? - check. Snickers? - that cat needs an attitude adjustment. Didn't appreciate the disregard for your mother's beautiful sofabed, but, you asked for me to watch over him, so.....you got it, champ. But, I gotta tell ya', that cat is baaad news and, if my reports are correct, Snickers has been possessed by my old nemesis (and former colleague), the Devil. Just speculation at this point, but, my sources are usually quite reliable.
Also, loved the decorative God's Eye you made during Bible School. Mrs. Gawd (Mary), thought it was absolutely delightful and remarked to me, "Joey really makes a niiiiice God's Eye, doesn't he. That kid has talent!" So, yeah...she's a fan. Well done!
Goldfish? Nah.
Yours,
Gawd
Request #2...
Gretchen Moseby, age 58, from Kansas City, Mo sent this prayer request:
" Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all of the wonderful blessings you have bestowed on me and my family. We, humbly, ask that you help my husband, Bill, in his new job. Give him the wisdom to make good decisions, have clarity of thought and be at peace in his new position as chief frycook at Denny's. Please keep him safe and to glorify your name each day working in that kitchen. Amen.."
Gretch! Wassup!?! Hope you're still using the snow-blower I got you two years ago. Talk about a well-timed request! Man, I must've sent, what, like eight inches of snow to KC that night? It was all part of a greater plan, of course (I needed "certain people" to stay off the roads that night....long story), but, you were wise to ask for the snow-blower. I reward forward thinkers!
Aaaaanywayze. Congrats to Bill on the new position. It'll be a welcome change from the drudgery of being a federal judge, eh?
And, abso-friggin'-lutely! I'll give him that clarity thing and the wisdom dealie. Done and done. Probably coulda used that when he was sitting on the bench, but, hey - easy come, easy go.
And, listen, it's nice that he'll try to glorify my name in the Denny's kitchen, but, honestly, I'll understand if he doesn't feel like praising Jehovah as he's mixing up Grand Slam platters for a table of eight. There's barely enough time to clean up the bacon rack, much less trying to preach the Word!
By the by, say 'hey' to Josh! That boy is growing up so fast! Was it really five years ago that I gave him pneumonia and a broken rib at the same time? Wow. Time flies! Still, I guess he learned a valuable lesson about supressing sexual urges. Haven't seen him even KISS a girl since! Awesome.
Until next time,
GAWD
And Finally...Request #3
Gil "Fudgin'" Kerpickly, 35, from Louisville, KY asks:
Dear God, you might could help me with a skeeter problem out'chere? My dog done got bit by a half duzen of them there skeeters and now he's a'itchin' just steady. If you could see to it that he can git rid'a that scratchin', I'd surely 'preciate it...thank ya'. Lord. Amen.
Hey, Fudgin'. When will that crazy pooch ever learn?
Well, here's the thing. If I stop the mosquitos from biting, then, I gotta hear it from the mosquitos. I can just hear them now, "if you didn't want us to puncture animal skin and suck blood, then, why...blah blah blah". Trust me, they never stop moaning.
On the other hand, if I don't stop the mosquitos from biting, then, I gotta hear it from everyone else in the animal kingdom! I'm constantly having to defend these insects from everyone else. "Please stop these bloodsuckers! They spread disease! Malaria, this - I'm anemic, that...." and on and on and on....It's annoying, but, they have valid criticisms and I have to listen. That's my job, right? ;)
So, I just have to leave it up to you to try and buy some insect repellent (on sale at Farm and Fleet this week, btw!) for you and Buster. I'll see if I can stop some of the rain and puddles where they breed and see if that can give you a little help. But, then, again, you prayed for rain last week, so you can see my conundrum. Which is it? Please be more specific next prayer session. I don't like disappointing my flock, Fudgin', but, sometimes there's no pleasing people.
All the best,
GAWD
Please send your prayer requests in the comments section if you would like. I'll try to answer them as soon as I can! No promises, March Madness is around the corner and I'll be fielding requests left and right!
p.s. This year, I wouldn't put my money on a certain team from a certain state that rhymes with 'Fentucky'....just sayin'. Take that for what it's worth, but, don't blame me if you lose at the window. ha ha! Just kidding, folks. Keep it real. :)
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