It's That Time of Eternity, Again!
Hey gang. Time, once again, for the Heavenly Staff Newsletter. We're having a great 2012, let's keep up the good work!
Staff Employee of the Quarter!
Congrats to Archangel Gabriel for his work with his team of 'guardians'. It's been a particularly busy first quarter for these guys, but, they're protecting like champs! By the by - if you get a chance to see Gabe play his harp later this month at the "Holy Smokes Lounge", make sure to request he play his killer version of "War Pigs". You won't be disappointed!
New Pop Machine for Newcomers!
Make sure y'all head down to the main check-in lobby to see the row of soda machines for the new arrivals! Upon arrival past the Pearly Gates, the recently dead/spiritually-reborn souls will have their usual choices of Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Diet Coke, etc, but, we're all VERY excited about the addition of Dad's Root Beer and long-time hold out Fresca! It's going to make entering their new digs just a liiiiiiittle bit more refreshing, am I right?
Audit Completed!!!
Big, huge, Goliath-like thank yous and kudos to our Heavenly Staff for completing the "Forgiveness Audit" this past month. It was quite an undertaking! We were backlogged almost 40 earth-years on people to forgive.
Many of the minor offenses, simply, slip through the cracks and it's up to my staff to find them, forgive them and record it in The Book. Some of these are long-overdue for a pass, that's for sure! We appreciate their patience. Here are just a few forgiven individuals:
* Steve Bartman - no, not THAT Steve Bartman, but, Steve Bartman of 223 Clover Lane, Brookfield, WI. In 1997, he took a Reese's peanut butter cup from the local pharmacy after waiting for almost three minutes at the counter for a cashier to arrive before throwing his hands up and leaving with said candy bar. Steve is forgiven - and, little did he know, the assistant pharmacist and her manager were busy banging each other's brains out in the utility closet.
* We've finally forgiven Springsteen for using the word "speedball".
* Forgiveness in order for Brad Jenkins of Boulder, Co. after calling his mother a 'shunt'. Technically, it's not a curse word, but, being able to look into a man's soul does have it's advantages. We do know that Brad meant it as a compound word mixing derogatory terms for fecal waste and a female body part. Not cool, but, we have forgiven for time served.
* Also, to note: Ronnie Harmon's case continues to be under review for throwing the 1986 Rose Bowl. Still got some pissed-off fans up here.
Staff Notes:
May 5th will be Sombrero or Poncho Day in celebration of Cinco De Mayo! So, feel free to wear Mexican garb to the office!
To our Welcome Wagon committee, there will be a major 'weather event' next month, so please prepare an extra set of gift packages for the new arrivals and make sure we order some extra toilet paper for the lobby stalls. Thanks!
The second quarter theme is "Kick It Up a Notch!" - take a look at yourself and your co-workers and ask yourself, "Am I doing enough to make my fellow worker look good?" and, "Am I doing my absolute best?". There's always room for improvement, so, tell yourself to Kick It Up a Notch and we'll be firing on all cylinders! Rock on!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Ahoy! EASTER WEEKEND! YAY!
Well, I've "risen again" to answer some of your prayers in print! So, let's roll the stone away and get down to some answerin', forgivin' and resurrectin'!
Prayer #1:
Hugh Brickman, age 38, Portland, OR
"Dear Lord, please answer me why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people? I struggle with this in my own life as I see person after person bypass me on the way up the corporate ladder by evil means and dishonest practices. Please help me find peace and fulfillment..."
Hey! It's Hugh "munguss" Brickman! Great to hear from you.
Yeah, sorry about letting Todd Nussbaum take that promotion over you, but, that presentation he did for the bigwigs at Pepsi certainly pushed his stock higher. Not that your Powerpoint presentation wasn't well-done, but, let's face it - Todd's use of high-energy music bumps, fog machine and corporate buzzwords really made the presentation 'sing'. Still....I can understand your frustration. I'm still not happy with him beating his wife last year. Not cool! (incidentally, I'm making sure she gets QUITE the settlement. So, you'll be pleased to note that his big promotion bonus won't be lining his pocketbook! She'll be getting it all!)
Quick thing about the good things happening to bad people and vicey-versey: Things tend to even out. What can I tell ya'? Also, methinks a change of industry might do you some good. I'll open up a window next week for you that you can try out. See how that stirs the drink. Just remember that "pre-stressed asbestos" isn't as dangerous as it sounds. It can be quite lucrative.
Go get 'em slugger!
Prayer #2:
Heather Caruthers, Age 17, San Diego, Ca
"OMG! WhatEVER! I'm so jealous that, like, you totally gave Taylor and Brandi both new cars for their birthday! Like, what am I supposed to do? I don't even LIKE Taylor. She's a total bee-atch and Brandi, is, like, totally a slut. And, Rumer was totally ripping on them, like, two days ago, but now, like, she's all, like, "oooh, I'm your best friend, Brandi...let's hang out and do stuff...." all because of this stupid idiot car she got. And Taylor's boyfriend, Jacob, is, like totally not hot, but, thinks he's all that and he totally looks like a pug dog or something...ha! LOL! LMFAO! But, now, he's all "hey, Tay, wassup?", like, he wasn't going to totally break up with her or anything, like, three fucking days ago anyway, but, now, she's got this stupid car, so, he's all into her now...this is SO stupid! AAAAGH! Whatever....I think I'm just going to hang out with Brittany at the game."
Hm. Sober counsel, indeed, Heather. You're wise to seek Brittany's company. Unlike Taylor and Brandi, her mode of transportation is a bike. LOL!
As for Rumer, there are only so many times I require her to stop back-talking her friends. Just throwing this out there - NOT OFFICIAL - but, she'll probably need to visit her doctor in the next month or two just to 'be safe', if she doesn't stop.
Taylor deserves the car, Heather. She got a C+ average and that's what her parents required of her. That's the contract they signed and a parent needs to be consistent. Keep in mind, a C-average was quite a jump from her 1.74 GPA!
Brandi's family is just loaded with cash. What can I tell you? Her dad is a lawyer and her mom is a doctor. Brandi gets a car because her parents earned it.
If there's one thing you'll learn in the country you live in - money is not evil. I know it may be a 100% obvious, blatantly clear contradiction to every single, solitary possible word, phrase or idea I stated in the Bible, but, listen to your political leaders....they know better. It's capitalism that moves human souls to do good work! So, go out and make some money and you, too, can get that car! LMFAO!
Peace. Out.
Well, I've "risen again" to answer some of your prayers in print! So, let's roll the stone away and get down to some answerin', forgivin' and resurrectin'!
Prayer #1:
Hugh Brickman, age 38, Portland, OR
"Dear Lord, please answer me why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people? I struggle with this in my own life as I see person after person bypass me on the way up the corporate ladder by evil means and dishonest practices. Please help me find peace and fulfillment..."
Hey! It's Hugh "munguss" Brickman! Great to hear from you.
Yeah, sorry about letting Todd Nussbaum take that promotion over you, but, that presentation he did for the bigwigs at Pepsi certainly pushed his stock higher. Not that your Powerpoint presentation wasn't well-done, but, let's face it - Todd's use of high-energy music bumps, fog machine and corporate buzzwords really made the presentation 'sing'. Still....I can understand your frustration. I'm still not happy with him beating his wife last year. Not cool! (incidentally, I'm making sure she gets QUITE the settlement. So, you'll be pleased to note that his big promotion bonus won't be lining his pocketbook! She'll be getting it all!)
Quick thing about the good things happening to bad people and vicey-versey: Things tend to even out. What can I tell ya'? Also, methinks a change of industry might do you some good. I'll open up a window next week for you that you can try out. See how that stirs the drink. Just remember that "pre-stressed asbestos" isn't as dangerous as it sounds. It can be quite lucrative.
Go get 'em slugger!
Prayer #2:
Heather Caruthers, Age 17, San Diego, Ca
"OMG! WhatEVER! I'm so jealous that, like, you totally gave Taylor and Brandi both new cars for their birthday! Like, what am I supposed to do? I don't even LIKE Taylor. She's a total bee-atch and Brandi, is, like, totally a slut. And, Rumer was totally ripping on them, like, two days ago, but now, like, she's all, like, "oooh, I'm your best friend, Brandi...let's hang out and do stuff...." all because of this stupid idiot car she got. And Taylor's boyfriend, Jacob, is, like totally not hot, but, thinks he's all that and he totally looks like a pug dog or something...ha! LOL! LMFAO! But, now, he's all "hey, Tay, wassup?", like, he wasn't going to totally break up with her or anything, like, three fucking days ago anyway, but, now, she's got this stupid car, so, he's all into her now...this is SO stupid! AAAAGH! Whatever....I think I'm just going to hang out with Brittany at the game."
Hm. Sober counsel, indeed, Heather. You're wise to seek Brittany's company. Unlike Taylor and Brandi, her mode of transportation is a bike. LOL!
As for Rumer, there are only so many times I require her to stop back-talking her friends. Just throwing this out there - NOT OFFICIAL - but, she'll probably need to visit her doctor in the next month or two just to 'be safe', if she doesn't stop.
Taylor deserves the car, Heather. She got a C+ average and that's what her parents required of her. That's the contract they signed and a parent needs to be consistent. Keep in mind, a C-average was quite a jump from her 1.74 GPA!
Brandi's family is just loaded with cash. What can I tell you? Her dad is a lawyer and her mom is a doctor. Brandi gets a car because her parents earned it.
If there's one thing you'll learn in the country you live in - money is not evil. I know it may be a 100% obvious, blatantly clear contradiction to every single, solitary possible word, phrase or idea I stated in the Bible, but, listen to your political leaders....they know better. It's capitalism that moves human souls to do good work! So, go out and make some money and you, too, can get that car! LMFAO!
Peace. Out.
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