It's That Time of Eternity, Again!
Hey gang. Time, once again, for the Heavenly Staff Newsletter. We're having a great 2012, let's keep up the good work!
Staff Employee of the Quarter!
Congrats to Archangel Gabriel for his work with his team of 'guardians'. It's been a particularly busy first quarter for these guys, but, they're protecting like champs! By the by - if you get a chance to see Gabe play his harp later this month at the "Holy Smokes Lounge", make sure to request he play his killer version of "War Pigs". You won't be disappointed!
New Pop Machine for Newcomers!
Make sure y'all head down to the main check-in lobby to see the row of soda machines for the new arrivals! Upon arrival past the Pearly Gates, the recently dead/spiritually-reborn souls will have their usual choices of Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Diet Coke, etc, but, we're all VERY excited about the addition of Dad's Root Beer and long-time hold out Fresca! It's going to make entering their new digs just a liiiiiiittle bit more refreshing, am I right?
Audit Completed!!!
Big, huge, Goliath-like thank yous and kudos to our Heavenly Staff for completing the "Forgiveness Audit" this past month. It was quite an undertaking! We were backlogged almost 40 earth-years on people to forgive.
Many of the minor offenses, simply, slip through the cracks and it's up to my staff to find them, forgive them and record it in The Book. Some of these are long-overdue for a pass, that's for sure! We appreciate their patience. Here are just a few forgiven individuals:
* Steve Bartman - no, not THAT Steve Bartman, but, Steve Bartman of 223 Clover Lane, Brookfield, WI. In 1997, he took a Reese's peanut butter cup from the local pharmacy after waiting for almost three minutes at the counter for a cashier to arrive before throwing his hands up and leaving with said candy bar. Steve is forgiven - and, little did he know, the assistant pharmacist and her manager were busy banging each other's brains out in the utility closet.
* We've finally forgiven Springsteen for using the word "speedball".
* Forgiveness in order for Brad Jenkins of Boulder, Co. after calling his mother a 'shunt'. Technically, it's not a curse word, but, being able to look into a man's soul does have it's advantages. We do know that Brad meant it as a compound word mixing derogatory terms for fecal waste and a female body part. Not cool, but, we have forgiven for time served.
* Also, to note: Ronnie Harmon's case continues to be under review for throwing the 1986 Rose Bowl. Still got some pissed-off fans up here.
Staff Notes:
May 5th will be Sombrero or Poncho Day in celebration of Cinco De Mayo! So, feel free to wear Mexican garb to the office!
To our Welcome Wagon committee, there will be a major 'weather event' next month, so please prepare an extra set of gift packages for the new arrivals and make sure we order some extra toilet paper for the lobby stalls. Thanks!
The second quarter theme is "Kick It Up a Notch!" - take a look at yourself and your co-workers and ask yourself, "Am I doing enough to make my fellow worker look good?" and, "Am I doing my absolute best?". There's always room for improvement, so, tell yourself to Kick It Up a Notch and we'll be firing on all cylinders! Rock on!
